Marriages are far more likely to last and be genuinely fulfilling when husbands and wives grow in intimacy with each other over the years. This is not likely to happen naturally. It must be intentionally pursued. It has to be worked at. Dr. Doug Weiss, a Christian counselor, recommends three simple exercises for growing in intimacy. First, couples should commit to pray together every day. It doesn’t have to be for a long period of time. But praying with and for each other each day develops bonds of intimacy as you center your relationship on God, just as God intends. Second, each day set aside a few minutes to share your feelings with each other. Dr. Weiss recommends using a formal procedure for a few months to get into the habit. It may seem hokey, but it works. One spouse looks the other in the eyes and says, “I feel (feeling word) when (put a present situation when you feel this). I first remember feeling (put the same word here) when (explain the earliest occurrence of this feeling).” The other spouse then shares a feeling in the same format. Looking the person in the eye is important, since the eyes are the windows to the soul. In the Appendix to his book Intimacy Dr. Weiss has a couple hundred feeling words to choose from for those who aren’t used to speaking about their feelings, and so have a limited vocabulary in this regard (and this is often as true for woman as for men). Because feelings are personal, the more you share them with your spouse, the more close you will grow with him or her. Finally, once a day each spouse should praise or verbally encourage the other. If you set aside 15 minutes or so at the end of the day, you could do all three of these things at the same time. Again, the formal structure of this may seem awkward at first, but if you are not in the habit of doing these three things already, this is the best way to cultivate the habit and start the process of growing in intimacy.

For more information, I highly recommend Dr. Douglas Weiss’s book, Intimacy (Siloam, 2003). The book will help you understand the principles of intimacy, help you discover the roadblocks to intimacy, and help you find ways to make intimacy part of your daily life.